Who's Your Mommy

Becoming a parent is the best and worst thing to ever happen to me. The best because there is nothing in this world I love more than my son, and the worst because there is nothing in this world I love more than my son.Yep.

Having our child was life-altering in more ways than I could have possibly conceived pre-baby while enjoying cocktail brunches and movies outside our home. While I do miss these things (among many, many others), the everyday joy being a mother brings me far outweighs any sacrifice I have or will make, without question. I am often speechless and baffled, so I cry, unable to make sense of these inexplicable emotions.

But with this intense, enigmatic love also comes the self-inflicted expectation and hell-bent desire to provide the absolute best for my mini-human. And therefore the astronomical levels of anxiety ("X" is for Xanax!) and persistent feelings of inferiority.

Providing the "best" is subjective -- there is more parenting advice available than I will ever need, but the schools of thought are as varied as the seasons. Making sense of it all is a daily struggle in itself -- forget balancing a career and a family. I mean, I can't get a straight answer on how to balance solids and the bottle. My child's bottle, not mine. I've got that down. Pat.

I'm doing my best - that is, my definition of my own personal best.

Some days I'm pulling it off splendidly, and others not so much. Like this morning, when I failed to compartmentalize, and was checking email early and neglected to catch my child before he toppled over, activity board pinning him to the floor. Ripped my fucking heart out.

He survived, I barely did, but I know it won't be the last time. So I went work.

I don't have the working Mom guilt everyone likes to assume I should. Really, I don't. Which in some circles makes me a bad parent. I work for my family, that's our arrangement and what's best for all of us. Trust me. It is best for all of us. I manage the 9-5 (5-9) and my husband manages the household (sort of). We both love our child (and dog).

I'm trying, and will continue to try, every single day of my life to be the "best" mommy, wife, employee, friend, blogger, contributor to society, blah, blah, blah I can be.

And I think I'm pretty fantabulous, faults and all.